I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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