I puked a lego.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
