i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Vodka?
Forever.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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