I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
