Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
