There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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