Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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