That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
