I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
