youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Randomize
