My friends, they love my intelligence
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
