I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Dignity is for republicans.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
