Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
