When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
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making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
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I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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