end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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