Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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