My liver just broke up with me...
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
