Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
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My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
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Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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