Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
