Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
