i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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