Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
