i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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