Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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