You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
