i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
he puts the penis in happiness.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
