Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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