im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
