I can text with my tongue
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
