You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
