my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
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hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
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party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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