Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
