that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
being pregnant is like rehab
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
