she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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