Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
