I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She's the barista slut.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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