Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
