have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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