When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
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You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
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She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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