she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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