ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
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I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
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WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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