Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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