I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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