Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. Thatβs it.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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