I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
