im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
