sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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