i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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