I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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