He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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