On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
