Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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