He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
