I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
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The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
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You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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