I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
