If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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