I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Randomize
