Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My dick has a subreddit
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
