my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
